The Ten Minute Test:"The HIdden" vs "Garden of Death"

Just how can you tell if a film is going to be worth its monetary value? This week,the Judge lets us into his secret world of summing up, in his warped way, the happening from the hypnagogic, and the cream from the crud. Over to you Judge!

A lot of people spend a lot of time debating whether a film is good or bad. They agonize over trivialities like dialogue,dramatic tension, camera work and even whether the story’s up to scratch!
Well, you can argue until you'rs blue in the face, but for my money there’s only one thing that makes or breaks a film. The over-riding factor that separates the ‘yee-haw!’entertainment from the snooze-festivals, the ‘Oh yeahs!’ from the ‘Oh no' yawn-aramas,and that is what happens in the first ten minutes...

Nothing else matters. That’s all there is. lf there are no car chases, no mindless violence,gratuitous nudity or blood-sucking, tentacled space monsters in the first ten minutes then you can be sure there’s no point
in watching the rest of the film (I’ve usually fallen asleep by then anyway).
I mean, come on, if you want plot and characterisation go and read a book. We want mindless escapism.
So let’s triy out the Judge Mental Ten minute Test on a couple of movies.
Subject A:
'The Hidden"

00.00 Opens with security camera view of a bank.
01.30 Three cops shot by raider.
01.45 One video camera shot up.
02.09 First car chase begins.
03.44 First car crash.
08.55 Second car crash.
04.04 Old guy in wheelchair knocked into orbit by speeding Ferrari.
04.80 Senseless waste of film while the two main characters are introduced.
04.58 Ferrari driving through large sheet of glass (and glazier).
05.10 More car chases.
06.80 More car crashes and Ferrari shot up by cops.
06.50 Lunatic shot up by cops.
07.07 Ferrari explodes.
07.20 Lunatic hospitalised.
07.80 We get a few minutes me a bit of talking
We don‘t actually get to
see the disgusting, tentacled space monster until 12 minutes
into the film but we’ll forgive them that, seeing as we get
so much good stuff in the first five minutes. As for the rest
of' the film, well it’s great! We've got a space monster that
takes people over and has a fondness for heavy metal music
and fast sports cars, vast amounts of shooting and car
chases, terrible table manners, smashed up hi-fis,
flamethrowers and Kyle Maclachlan for all you wierdos
that watch'Twin Peaks’.
Let's compare this against film number 2 on the Judge’s
hit list: “Garden of Death” (directed bysome old nobody)
00.10 Opening shot of some
flowers
02.10 Some people talk about
something (or nothing)
05.00 More gardening sequences
07.20 People talk about how
good their garden is
09.40 Sound of empty beer
cans falling onto floor
11.83 Sound of sawing wood
1.20/30 Sleeper awakes
1.22 Gardener gets turned into a tree (ho hum)
1.25 Sound of empty beer
cans flalling onto floor
1.30 Sound of horrendous snoring
Well, guess which film gets the Judge Mental Belch of Approval!
Erm, yes, well, beer permitting there'll be more from
Judge Mental fairly soon.

what? who? when? For god's sake why!!

coming soon ...
probably